Saturday, March 2, 2013

Disneyland 2013

Martz Disneyland trip was AWESOME. No lines and good company! Best day ever.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Our Story of heartache, healing and hope

I have had the strong impression to write our story for a few months. I keep praying I will have the strength to tell it. It has become stronger over time and thoughts come to me about what I should include and how to word things and then I tell myself, wait! you don't even want to do this. I have so many family and friends who don't know this story. A few others I would rather not share it with. The truth is, we are not ashamed of this and our hope is that if just one soul will read this and KNOW they are not alone, then we will feel like these trials were not in vain or wasted. This is our story of addiction, drugs, porn, financial disaster, cheating and excommunication, hurt, betrayal, healing and most important, hope. (warning, this is not very organized or professional, it just is.)

The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment...from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.” — President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Merciful Obtain Mercy,” April 2012 General Conference

July 19, 2010.
I called Paul at work and offered to bring dinner as I was passing through to hang out with some dear friends from our old neighborhood. His coworker said he wasn't there, the police had taken him earlier. I thought he was teasing and said, okay, well if he gets grumpy because he is hungry, I tried to help and I hung up. As I passed his store (he is a pharmacist) I didn't see his car. My stomach was a little uneasy, but I just figured he parked in a place I couldn't see as I passed by. After visiting for the evening with friends, I drove through to have our two little boys say good night to daddy. We did this all the time. Isaac was 2 at the time and was use to this and loved it. Ben, was 6 months old and smiled BIG for his daddy. Paul loved it as well. To my surprise, he was not there. It was not him working. Immediately I knew something bad had happened. I called my husband. I asked where he was, he said he was at work. (first lie I was aware of in our 8 years of marriage). I said no you are not here. I am here at your work, where are you? He said," I am driving around." I asked him if he had been arrested ? He said yes. I asked Why? He said, "Because I am a drug addict."
 Even now, over 2 years later, I can hear and see this moment. It is so hard. I asked him to come home so we could talk about this and hung up. I immediately called my parents. I asked them what do I do now? I was confused, scared and SHOCKED. I literally didn't know what Paul meant. I couldn't even wrap my head around it. I was trying to understand in a minute what I just heard and how I felt. It was shock and worry. I knew in that moment we lost our house, we would not be able to find a job, perhaps EVER in that career, I knew there was probably more lies and messes. I knew there had to be illegal activity. He may have to go to jail. (If you know an addict, you know there is always more that will soon unravel.) All the sudden I knew why Paul had been sick and looked HORRIBLE for the last 2 years. My mom said to call my father in law. I did.

My sweet father-in-law, John, answered his phone. I asked if my mother-in-law was near by and if so, please don't say anything yet. Then I told him what Paul said. He said, call your bishop and have Paul meet you at his house. John asked if he could call Paul. I said yes please!
I knocked on the door to the bishops house. His son answered and closed the door to get his dad, Bishop Verwer. I will always have a tender place in my heart for him and his awesome wife. They spent the next year being so kind and loving to us. Paul pulled up a few minutes after I did. He looked scared to death. He looked so lonely and weak. I was, for a moment, so sorry for him. The bishop listened and asked us to go home and pray. He offered us a priesthood blessing and asked if there was anything else he could do. I said no, I couldn't think. We put the kids in the car and headed home.

I called my dear friend, Lyndsey. I told her everything I knew in that moment. I was at her house just moments before and life was good and a few minutes later, I didn't know what life was going to be like.She drove to my house immediately  She was so kind. Before she got there my bishops wife showed up with a listening ear and hugs that were so totally helpful and nonjudgmental  In that moment I was aware that perhaps not everyone will hate my husband or think less of us. If this woman, who knew very little of us could love us, comfort us and hug us, just maybe others would as well. I wasn't ready to tell others. I needed time to collect and assess the damage. I needed to fix what little we could. I needed time to pray and protect my kids. I needed to know what Paul had done, how this happened and what the police had said to him. How long has he been addicted, what triggered it, why did he not tell me? What was his employer going to do? Who else knew? Did he love us? Did he want help? was he going to have withdrawals? Did this have any affect on my pregnancies? So many thoughts raced through my mind for the next many months.
The next day we went to the bank. We took all the money we had out. We talked to our parents. We talked to the bishop. We canceled any auto pay bills from our account. We heard from DOPL, the department of professional licensing. They wanted to meet with him ASAP. They wanted to discuss his pharmacy license.
We went to the Veterans office and asked if they could help him, as he started all this because it took care of his PTSD he came home with from Iraq years earlier. He was denied help. We were almost 2 months late to file any post war issues. ( The army doesnt let soldiers go home until they sign a note that states they are fine after they have gone to war.) This was beyond frustrating as he had drugged himself to deal with it so why would he have said anything? He had self medicated and now his life was a complete mess and the military was a closed door. We are still learning how common this is and its heart breaking to hear and see others go through this. ( I have a whole new appreciation for our military and their families, as I know my little family and my daily life has FOREVER been changed from the Iraq war.) We found a rehab place for nurses, pharmacists, doctors, dentists ect.
By the end of that week, my life was upside down and had completely changed. I was VERY introverted. I was never hungry. I never slept, literally. I was in complete co-dependent mode. FIX, Fix, fix! I felt panicky and crazy scared for my little boys future. I had a temple marriage, I had put my husband through school, I supported him while he was deployed for over a year, I had no income, I didn't know who he was and felt like ALL of the years he used drugs were just bad memories now. I didn't want to leave my babies and go to work. I didn't care about ANYTHING other than being their mom and raising them. I feared what others would think about me staying and about Paul. I wasn't sure what my family support would be. I was scared of what Paul would do to get drugs. I was lonely! I was mad. The worst feeling I have ever felt before was the betrayal of my husband. It hurt, every second of everyday. I still felt like something else was going on, but I couldn't pin point it. I was attending the family support meetings every week. My mother in law came to the first one with me. They started by mentioning that this disease is deadly. I burst out sobbing. I couldn't control the emotions. I was just sobbing. I had not realized that this addiction was a disease of the mind and that it would/could kill Paul. As much as I was hurt by his choices, I was still so in love with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Something in me clicked that night. I was committed to learning about this disease. I was going to learn how the brain worked and what had closed down during the use of drugs. I was told I needed to learn about co-dependency and boundaries . I was overwhelmed, but feeling thankful he was alive and still healthy. I had made some friends there as time went by. I was jealous and frustrated that I was the only spouse there who had this problem in the group. I was jealous others were there to help their kids. I was jealous to see couples hand in hand, dealing together with a sick child. I didn't have my other half to turn to. He was very closed. He was very quiet. He was still distant. I was focused on the future and again, fixing the consequences.
I heard something that I still find crucial to recovery. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. This is 100% true. I was learning so much. I was in personal counseling, couples counseling, religious counseling and group therapy. We were SO busy. Paul had meetings and rehab and court. He ended up with 12 felonies and fines. His cousin, Dusty, came to our rescue. He represented Paul. He was able to get the 12 felonies down to 6 misdemeanors and 2 years probation. (which will end next month). There were fines and some community service as well. We were relieved and are still so grateful for Dusty and his compassion and kindness. I had learned how to get food from the bishops storehouse and Paul had applied for food stamps. We had hit total rock bottom. I was so embarrassed to swipe the food stamp card. I was humiliated that I was now on welfare.(not to mention how my tiny family of four was given almost 750$ a month, our welfare programs are horrible, who spends that kind of money on a family of 2 adults and 2 babies?) This disease had destroyed and stripped me of EVERYTHING and was threatening to destroy my family. I was again, determined to keep this family together. Paul said he would do whatever I needed to stay married, no matter how long it would take to forgive.

October 3, 2010

As President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum
of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Addiction has the capacity
to disconnect the human will and nullify moral
. It can rob one of the power to decide” (in Conference
Report, Oct. 1989, 16; or Ensign, Nov. 1989, 14).

This was a Sunday night. It was a conference weekend. Paul and I had a family dinner, like every Sunday.He left for a church 12 step meeting. I was doing dishes and talking to his sister Cheyenne about how good Paul seemed to be doing. All the sudden the thought came to me, go check his car. It was a strong voice. I dried my hands off and walked out to the garage. I felt confused. What was it? Drugs? porn? did he steal more stuff from a store? Was he hiding something else from me? I sat in his car and opened his backpack. It had his journal and notes about his recovery thus far. I opened the journal. It fell open to a chart. He was working on Step 4. Honesty. It listed the people he hurt and used. It was my name and then a neighbor from my previous neighborhood and ward. As soon as I saw it, I think my spirit died! It was all crushing. It was sickening. I immediately remembered how she sent texts to my husbands cell phone at 1 am a few times about loving him, missing his arms and so on that I saw in previous years. I remember we both felt bad for her spouse. Poor guy. He was a sucker. In his journal I read about the lies he would tell her. The way she was always willing to meet up, the way she craved his attention. He talked about how he would add alcohol to the drugs before he met up with her. He talked about how he would almost overdose whenever they were to meet up because he couldn't deal with the guilt. I recall these nights and telling him he wasn't breathing and that he had some horrible sleep apnea or something. He talked about how sick he was for using her because he actually didn't even like her as a person. "She was just easy and available." It was disgusting. After the years of porn and drug use, he felt like he had a free hooker. Someone to mess with, something else to give him a rush. He talked about how sorry he was that he did this to me. He was scared to lose me. He loved me. He needed me. He was afraid to tell me about this because he had already done so much damage. When he got home, I asked him if he loved her.He replied, "No, I never did. I don't even like her." This was a painful night and has been the pain of many, many other days and nights. GROSS! I made the choice to talk to this person. I met with her after she got off work.I wanted to tell her I would spend the rest of my life trying to forgive her and that I hoped she never did this to another family again. She was embarrassed and ashamed she was caught. She was sorry for herself. She was FAR from remorseful at the time. One thing that sticks out she said to me was, " I would give him 4 stars". She is classy. As I drove away from that meeting, I pulled over and cried. I thanked the Lord for sending me with integrity, respect for marriage and families and for giving me the ability to see her through His eyes long enough to realize how messed up she was and how far deep her issues were. I was blessed with a secure self esteem and the gift of obedience. I was very humble that night. She thought that I handled her so well, she wanted to hug me after we talked. I passed on the offer. Crazy, I know. I am learning to forgive her because it is part of my healing and though I will probably never hear from her again, I pray that she will have matured enough someday to see how gross and horrible her actions were and the pain she caused me and my family. The fact is, had she not been available, he would not have had a hooker.(Had he not been addicted to porn and high, he wouldn't have touched her.) Paul had a book of other women he was interested in, but not one seemed interested in him. I asked him why not and he said, those kind of women have too much respect for themselves. I will always be happy that those kind of women exist.

There are lots of other trials (opportunities to grow and learn)that come from this story. Every day I have thoughts or see something that could be a trigger for me. There are also lots and lots of miracles and blessings. We are living proof that God heals marriages, God hears prayers, God is aware of us, God has a plan for us, that there are angels among us, the Atonement is REAL and is the only thing that can heal the sinner and the heartbroken.We are proof that people change. Paul has come a very long way. He is becoming my best friend again. He is healthy, even super sexy again. He is tenderhearted, thoughtful, helpful, patient and more humble. He loves me. I love him. I am so aware of the tender respect and love he has for me, now more than ever. We have a very long way to go. He has a testimony to gain and a baptism to desire. We are in the mess addiction causes. Some days I feel like we are sinking and other days I can feel the progress.  Most days are amazing. I have learned unconditional love, that his choices were not rational or that he liked them, that addiction is a real disease and that it had nothing to do with me or the lack of love he had for me and our boys. I have learned that it takes the brain time to heal, it takes the addict a lifetime to fight, it takes faith and the hardest fight you can give to save a marriage. I don't regret staying married. I don't regret marrying Paul. I don't regret starting a family and keeping it together. I am a huge marriage fan. HUGE! I believe that if two imperfect people can/want to be happy and married, they can. I believe my children will be happier and healthier with one family. I believe that Paul and I will grow old together (most days) and look back at this experience with gratitude. I believe that I am growing and healing everyday. I am blessed to have the church 12 step program. I am blessed to have friends, Joyce/Chris, my in laws and parents, Sam/Lyndsey, Tyler/Kayla, Janna/Jason, Debbie/Damon, Amanda/Cameron, Alisa, Derek, Dusty, Mary, Bishop Verwer/Trish, Cliff and many new friends here, who stepped up to the plate.They did what they could to ease our pain and support our family.They were kind and to this day, still caring. They know that, even two years later, it is hard at times. I have learned to never, ever assume someones situation. I am still not very good at being on the receiving end of generosity but I am trying and will pay it forward in huge amounts for the rest of our life. I am impressed with people who care after the fire is put out (our house almost burned down in that same year now that I think about it) and extra blessed to have found real people with open hearts and helpful stories. I don't know anyone who is married after all we have been through, but I have met many, many who have had some sort of addiction and have healed or trying to heal. This is our story of heartache, healing and hope. This is our love story.

“When someone has received the miracle of recovery through the Atonement in their lives, they want to shout from the rooftops about the Savior’s power to heal. This process of helping someone else come unto Him to be healed is a sacred privilege and blessing. When you share what you have found, you can’t avoid this kind of experience. It changes you and it blesses you.” — Dr. Ben Erwin, LDS Family Services counseling program manager for the Addiction Recovery Program

* here are more stories of others recovery.
If you want to share this with someone who could use a story of hope and understanding, please share. 

Friday, November 23, 2012

Eli George Martz 4/24/12

This little boy is 6 months old already. I cant believe it. He is ALWAYS smiling and as sweet as possible. We could not have asked for a happier, friendlier, brighter little guy. Guess what? He is PERFECT. 
I will update more soon. He is crawling, babbling and has four teeth. He pulls himself up on things and is planning his career already. My goodness time goes fast. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

picture updates

Love Buddha kisses!

The boys LIVE in their jammies. I hate these kinds of jammies, they are SO cheesy, but of course, the boys LOVE them. Ben is spiderman EVERYDAY and Isaac now has Mario jammies and those seem to be rocked everyday as well.
Ben was "hanging around" like spectacular spider man. This is a very normal phrase for ben to say.
Buddha turned 2 on January 4th. Life is always better with Buddha around. He brings us so much laughter.
Isaac is turning 4 March 2nd. We cant believe it. Isaac is the very reason we love having our little family. He was the beginning of joy we never knew existed! He is very smart, silly and full of energy.
One of millions of attempts to get a more recent family picture with no photographers around. We have not edited anything on these and the morning didnt go as planned so the sun was in full force-but I dont care, I wanted the picture! Thanks Chris! (plus, I am like3 months pregnant in this picture and really wanted a picture of the four of us before baby boy #3 joins the circus.)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Baby #3 is a .....


We are pretty excited. We love our boys and I personally always wanted to be the mom of lots of boys. Feeling spoiled this holiday season!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

how are we? where are we?

I am SO bad...I just dont want to load pictures. I am being lazy. It will come soon because I need my camera memory.
We are fantastic! Life here in the sunny southern Utah town is AWESOME. We still spend our days at the lakes, pool and in Zion.
Paul is still busy with work and loves his little town pharmacies. Paul is happy and healthy. He still rides his bike to work everyday. I think its cute to kiss him good bye and then the kids and I wave as Daddy rides down the street with a helmet, bike and backpack like all the little kids who are headed to the bus stop. The neighbor kids LOVE it as well. Paul and I are often riding bikes, which I just realized will be tricky as my baby belly grows. Pauls legs have gained SO much muscle. I used to buy him 34/34s(which last year he was hardly fitting into) but now he needs 36/34 for his legs to fit into his pants. Its kinda funny because this guy loves his muscle growth and has done squats often but has NEVER had this kind of growth in his legs. I dont think he will ever quit. Matter of fact, rumor has it, my brother Rob started to ride his bike to work too. Cool.
I am feeling pretty dang awesome considering my first trimester usually makes me crazy sick. I feel nauseous most the day but can control it and still have my fun days with the babies. I often go to Sand Hallow with the boys and let them play in the lake and sand while I read. Its crazy cause I am usually there on the beach alone. Its SO nice. I have my friend, Jen Bjelland, go with her 3 little boys sometimes. I am getting ready to go back to school. Poco a poco. I have my associates done-minus one elective. I will be doing my BA in either social work or psych. Then on to my masters in Psych so I can work at LDS services. I had a really neat personal experience, even spiritual, and I know this is where I need to be over time. I will not be going full time. I expect it will take close to 6 years but then being a mom right now is all I care about. I am in the R.S presidency and enjoy the service to those around me. I love getting to know people through service. I cant imagine wasting my time/energy on things that don't matter in this life. I don't get fulfillment on many addictions/hobbies that are not service related. I suppose I just enjoy loving people and talking to people more than other hobbies. I think my hobby as silly as it sounds are my kids and maintaining my home. I take pride in being a good wife and mother! I love having a dinner my husband enjoyed, clean babies, laundry done, house cleaned, bills paid, service to others rendered and then relaxed "quiet" time with the hubby at night. That really makes a perfect day.( perhaps it helps that I am not crafty)
Isaac is everything fun. He loves to learn. He likes practicing his letters, he LOVES spider man, "wursery", talking and talking. He was a young talker...but has only exceeded that skill. He loves to tell me about his plans, his beautiful day, read me books, entertain Ben, boss Ben, wrestle Ben, bug Ben, read to ben, ride his bike, swim (he is an awesome swimmer for a 3 yr old). He really does have a handful of books memorized and Paul and I are in love with how cute it is to hear him "read".
Ben is awesome. He is all about meat and cheese. He loves rice. Paul and Ben are going to be loyal eaters together. They both enjoy the same foods. Ben has about 4 books memorized and LOVES to read. He loves to sing and sounds adorable. He loves church!!! (and they love him).
He is snugly and loves to follow Isaac around. He is becoming a pretty good swimmer as well. He is most often called Buddha around here. When you ask Ben what his name is he will say, "Iceeee". Then Isaac will correct him and say,"No, say Buddha. I am Isaac.". Its that common. Ben has not learned to crawl out of his crib yet...which I love. He loves running and riding his bike. He talks as much as Isaac did and we love to hear his thoughts. He is very opinionated and stubborn. He likes to wear his Utah football shirt.
They will both be spider man for Halloween. I think Paul may join them. I have a house full of super hero's. Both boys still nap everyday. Its nice to have them entertain each other. I am so glad I had two boys together.
Paul and I are really anxious to meet our new addition. Strangers will see my two boys and then say, I bet if this is a girl you are done. I find that so odd. Why would I be done? I am not about "getting one of each" and then calling it good. Its not like buying ice cream and getting chocolate and then vanilla and being done. Its about a family. Its kinda exciting regardless of gender....right? Of course pink is cool with us...but we love our house of boys. I love how easy, even though they are CRAZY busy, boys are. I have trouble asking people to watch the boys because my boys don't sit. They MOVE. I have watched other kids and mine are very busy. (Which keeps me busy).
Well- enough here. Pics coming soon because they are WAY over due. Much love to all our blogger friends and families.
We count our blessings, enjoy the sunshine and make new memories. Life is so good!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

3 is better than 2...Right?

We are SUPER excited to be expecting a baby again!